Christmas Ugh! AKA Bah Humbug!

Have to get the grouching and grumping out of the way. Most of the grouching and grumping is do to the $1,600.00+ bill I just had to pay for my car. I should be happy. Really I should. If the car would have died even 1-2 mins later than it did, I would have been hit broad side in my broad side and maybe severely injured or dead. I was visiting Peace Man and about a block and a half away from his house is the intersection to turn on to the busy highway. I was about 20 feet from the stop sign when my car stopped. A couple of hoarse coughs and then total death. No gasping last breathes. No dying wheeze. Just done. It would turn over but it wouldn't catch fire. I thought for sure it was the fuel pump as I've had many fuel pumps go on me and that's pretty much the way they go. I was thinking about that after the phone call to Peace Man to rescue me. And while I was awaiting BCCA when the rescue attempt was for naught. I just replaced the fuel tank. I was sure I did. Within the last 2 years as Peace Man remembers me talking about it. When I looked up the receipt after I got home, sure enough, last May. Was on the long weekend because I remember feeling stranded after hours on Friday, knowing Howie's garage would be closed all weekend. So I had it towed to Canadian Tire. Anywho. Peace Man and I both thought it was the fuel pump. A very nice BCAA tow truck man came to haul my ass and the car to Howie's garage. Howie is my perennial go to guy for my car. And the kids' cars. I had a very quiet ride as the driver wasn't into idle chit chat. Bummer. I love to talk. I can talk to anyone, but I guess my talking held no charm for Mr. Taciturn Tow Truck Guy. So I moped all the way home. I had Lovely Daughter pick me up at Howie's and went home. My poor baby (my car) was going to have to sit all weekend outside Howie's garage without Howie even knowing it was there or me knowing what was wrong. The only saving grace was that Peace Man was going to make the trek to my house later in the afternoon. The other bummer is that I was supposed to have lunch with my mom and the baby's grandma. The baby in the previous post that is now paralyzed. I wanted to get caught up on the happenings and help cheer her up a little. Still not really any progress on that front. The baby moved her leg a little. She appears to do this once in a great while. Everyone gets really worked up and then nothing happens again. Often for weeks. I'm hoping this is a positive sign. I sure hope so. How sad it would be for that little cherub not to be able to walk again. Positive thoughts and prayers all around.
Now that the grouching and grumping is done, on to me. How am I doing? Well, likely 80 some odd % of the time life is great. I was just thinking I was going into Christmas in pretty good shape. Had some money in the bank. I am now left with not a lot of money. Not only for the bill listed above, which was actually do to the distributor system (???), but I had also just purchased tires. All weather tires, that Howie now tells me are OK but not the best thing for winter driving. Even though the snowflake and mountain are on the tires, he would prefer I had good winters and studs. So we compromised on I would use these ones as a spring/summer/fall and buy some medium quality tires and have them studded for next year. Works for me. If I was travelling the Connector all the time, that would be a different story. How did I digress back to my car!?! I'm doing great. I feel good. I'm working hard. I have been visiting lots with Peace Man. He has taken to having me come out there on Fridays after work and then he comes to me Saturday afternoons. I really enjoy spending the weekend with him. He fills up my cup. My cup was always half empty. Looking to be filled. I think he fills the job description. I am able to look at things in a very positive way. Even with my car dying, I'm so very thankful, grateful, joyous even that it could have been so much worse. I'm happy. Money is only money. Life and limb are priceless. I'm also truly grateful for my mom being here instead of in the cold hard prairies. This will be only her second Christmas here. She also sold her house which I'm thrilled about. Now we get to house hunt. How much fun will that be?! And furniture hunt. Lovely Daughter is eager to come with as well. She has good taste. Will be tons of fun. I'm also thankful for my Wonderful Son. He is working so hard on his studies. FINALS!! Ugh for him as well. He is holding his head above water. I'm also so thankful for my awesome friends. Without them, this journey wouldn't be nearly as wondrous as it is. This is a good day!

5 Steps Forward; 0 Steps Back

Yay! Yay! Yay!
I have had over 6 weeks of very limited contact with Whirling Vortex. Yay! Again. Yay! It's been uplifting and freeing. I've had the time and ability to breath. At least from that aspect of things. In other realms I've moved my Mom here from Saskatchewan. She is living with us temporarily until her house sells and she can buy something here. So far the head butts with Lovely Daughter have been fairly limited. We've had another family crisis though, in that my 18 month old cousin had a blood clot on her spine. The surgery was successful to remove the clot, but unsuccessful in returning her to full function/sensation. Very sad. She is learning to use a wheelchair. I hope with lots of physio that she may be able to regain function/sensation. Lots of prayers. God, are you listening.
As for me, I'm on a little get away with Peace Man. I have a work trip and he has joined me. Lets just say that time away together is a fabulous thing! We have never done it before and we have really bonded. Lots of wine. Good food. Bubbles and wine in the Jacuzzi tub. Yes indeed. Has you looking at the world with new eyes. I am full of smiles and good cheer. My outlook on the world is bright and cheery. I have hope for the future. I want to be taking steps to move forward in life. According to Lovely Daughter, that would be downsizing and de-cluttering and moving out of the house into something in town. Something a little smaller, newer, less maintenance. Would be a great and wondrous idea. She is doing a lot of the de-cluttering. She's been a wonderful help. Now I have to do my part and go through the stuff and get rid of it. It is an interesting process because everything I own has a memory attached to it. It is interesting because not only do I have to separate from the item, I have to separate from the memory attached to it. Lovely Daughter has no emotional attachment to any "stuff" doesn't understand my attachment to "stuff". I wish I had her detachment. I have to remember it's just stuff. My memories will hold on to the stuff. But I can let go of the physical stuff and still keep the emotional memory. I can do it.
A week or so later:
I'm working hard at it. I spent some time going through stuff and was able to let go of some of it. I will do another pass or two and will be able to loosen up some more I'm sure. I'll get the hang of it. I'll just get Lovely Daughter to come in and help me when I'm stuck. I'm starting in my bedroom as I emptied out the second dresser which really had no clothes in it. All papers and memory items. So I have about 4 small bins of that. I will go through 1 bin a day and then start in on my clothes. That's a huge deal. I have clothes all over the house. I have clothes of all different sizes. I actually let go of most of the size 7 stuff as I will never be size 7 again. I know that. But those size 7's were so beautiful. Oh well. Let it go. Poof!!!!
On the Peace Man front. Wow! That will almost suffice it. We just gel. We get each other and get along so well. He invited me to a "family party". His parents, 1 daughter, 2 brothers, 1 sister-in-law, 2 cousins. It was fun. Everyone was very friendly. It was fun. It was relaxed. I felt like I belonged. It was good to see Peace Man with his family and so relaxed. It was interesting to see his father. I've heard so much of his father and the sneaky dementia that is plaguing him and the whole family really. Visual hallucinations that he actually made a little fun of himself for. He was very charming. He did pick at the youngest son subtly. I don't know if anyone else did. Including himself. But Peace Man and I noticed. It's that generation I guess. My Mom does it and when called on it doesn't even realize it. Anyways. It was good. A good time was had by all. Then Peace Man came to my house for a visit on the weekend and we had a wonderful time as usual. Just hanging out. Cooking. Drinking wine. Going for a wonderful walk by the lake. Perfect really. I feel the bond is getting stronger all the time.

Smoked Out

Ah, the lovely Smokanagan. It's been terrible here for the last week. The smoke from the Washington fires rolled in last Saturday night, lifted for a bit on Thursday, and then Little White Mountain had a rank 5-6 wildfire start up. The smoke finally lifted somewhat today. We had lots of rain for about 2 hours and that has given us some relief. On top of everything, my cold settled into my chest and with my asthma and bronchitis and the smoke, I didn't stand a chance. I've hardly stepped foot out the door. In all, I went to Vancouver last Monday with Peace Man to pick up his Lovely Daughter back from a European vacation with her brand new husband. Peace Man and I had a wonderful day together. Just the right amount of talking, reading, tea/coffee, and looking around. We travel well together I've decided. I would love to go more places with him. Unfortunately job and life will not allow that right now (his job and his life - sad face). The other unfortunate thing I have discovered (unfortunate for me) is that the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. And he is such an introvert that he could spend every day by himself with a book and that would be ok with him. I have also discovered that with Lovely Daughter leaving for Vancouver in a week and Wonderful Son going back to university, I will likely have way too much time on my hands. For instance, this past week, I have spent entire days (the last 2 especially) by myself as both were at work. Also, I spend most evenings alone and there were a couple in a row where they were both away for the night too. I have decided that even though I am perfectly capable on my own and welcome some alone time, I do not prefer it. I'm far too social to be spending this much time by myself. I wandered back in to the realm of the dating world so I wouldn't be spending so much time alone. Yet here I am.
To back it up a little. Whirling Vortex and I lived quite separate lives, especially in the evenings, for the last 3 years we were together. He would spend the entire evening in the office "working". Which wasn't working, really, it was cruising the 'net highway for motorbike and car deals. Then he would stand at the doorway of the living room at 2100 hours with hands on hips stating "Time for bed?" Translation was come to bed and have sex. Never mind there was no respect or communication all day and all evening. He needed to have sex to feel close and connected. I needed closeness and a connection to have sex. Was a total mismatch headed towards disaster. Any conversation about this subject lead to him telling me I was a prude and me withdrawing even more. So I would sit in the living room on Facebook or playing computer games or reading to tune out the world. All of this time, of course, Wonderful Son and Lovely Daughter would be sleeping and not know how totally dissatisfied their Awesome Mother was and how lonely. How very lonely. I couldn't invite people over because Whirling Vortex made everyone uncomfortable. And I was so dispirited to go out anywhere. It was a vicious cycle. One of my own making - as I look back on things. I wish I would have been more in tune to what I needed as a woman and as a human being - to not let things get to that level.
So the bottom line is, I want to start moving more forward with my life. I'm looking for a life partner to move forward with. Is that partner Peace Man? I truly hope it is. But I'm becoming more fearful that it is right man, wrong timing. He said to me that he heard it will take between 3 - 5 years to get over the break up of his marriage. It's been 2.5 years and he still calls himself a broken man. I should have run screaming with my hair on fire when things changed between us. Not only does he live an hour's drive away, but he still considers himself broken. We are at least a year apart in readiness I think. So my dilemma is do I wait and maybe nothing will change? Do I wait and then end up with an amazing man at the end of his process? Or do I move on and risk wasting a great relationship? Or do I move on and find someone who is at the same stage as me? Someone who is as amazing as Peace Man? It's a horrible conundrum. Some may say that I have to follow my own heart and desires, but I come up with the same questions. So I do nothing. My Lovely Daughter tells me I am indecisive and therefore can't go forward. Maybe so. Don't want to make the wrong decision so I do nothing. Maybe that's ok for a while. Maybe as the smoke disappears, some of the questions will get answered.

This is the life

Noon on a lazy, sunny, warm day. Vacation. Nothing that needs doing. Just chillin' on my deck. Watching my fish swim in the pond. Cruising Facebook. Answering text messages. No hurry. No one wants me for anything. Does it get better than this? No way. Well except to have Peace Man (PM) be here with me. But that's ok. He was here yesterday. Time alone to ponder the wonders of the universe is a good thing as well. What did I do to deserve this pleasure? I put in my time. No fear. I've been ignoring lots of ignorant text from the Whirling Vortex. Or WV as I like to call him. I'm suffering from a bad cold my lovely daughter gave me. I'm swatting at wasps that just happened to show up for the party. They like my aloe juice/water that I'm drinking to sooth my throat. They also like my cereal dish. Ha Ha. I ate it all already. None left. Shoo!!! My flowers are stunning. My waterfall is soothing. The lake view is spectacular. My book awaits. There are about 5 chapters left. A time-travelling fantasy mixed with a historical romance. I'm truly blessed. I have gotten to the place where I'm not thinking about work. That has taken about 3 weeks. You really can't shut off the work until you've been gone from it at least that long. I've been writing a journal article the past couple of months and I've been thinking about that, but shut that off as well. I missed the last writing community of practice meeting and didn't even give it a thought. Good. You should be able to shut your work brain off when you are on vacay. I need the time to fully unwind and enjoy the beauty around me. The vibrant fushia pinks of the geraniums in my flower pots. The sunshiny yellows of the begonias. The fiery reds of the salvia. Delightful.The occasional quacking that signals a text from my Lovely Daughter LD) interrupts the calm thoughts I've been trying to have. Luckily she's not freaked at me. The freakedness is aimed elsewhere but I get the joy of sharing in it. lol. Hey, at least she talks to me about everything. To contribute to the calm, I've shut off the sound of WV's texting so I don't have to get bombarded with that. I believe you should cut out of your life that which doesn't serve you. The distress was wearing on me. My Fabulous Son (FS) and LD want me to block WV on my phone. But I save the texts to give to the Helpful Brother (HB) to use when he speaks to the doc and psych about WV. Ah here comes LD now. Will go and see how I can be of assistance. Ta Ta.
Well that was fun. Nothing like a pissed off daughter to interrupt your zen. lol.

Wow! Stuck in a Time Warp - Again!

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'd like to try to break that cycle, but it seems impossible at this point in time. I'm trying to separate from my former self, but unfortunately all the STUFF from the former self's life keeps coming and biting me in the ass. I am up to my armpits in alligators. Too much. Too much. Ex issues. They won't stay in the past. Now the Whirling Vortex wants to get back together. No way! No how! I can't even imagine. He even kissed me in public and then had the nerve to say "Kiss me like you mean it"??? What!!! I'm working so hard to try to be the best me I can be, so by doing that, I'm choosing. Yes. I'm choosing not to become trapped into the same circle of blame, guilt, shame. I'm also choosing not to become wrapped up in the untruths and the hurtfulness. I am pulling out my inner Warrior Goddess to ensure I stay safe and I can live to do battle another day. Kids safe - check. Me safe - check. Home front safe - check. That's all that's required of the Warrior Goddess for now. That's where I will have to go for the strength to not get sucked into the time warp and the Whirling Vortex. Warrior Goddess vs the Whirling Vortex. Could be a grudge match, but I don't want a battle. I want peace and quiet and calm and healing. I want my Peace Man by my side. My Peace Man. My normalcy. He doesn't think so. But it is so. Even when we are apart, just thinking about him brings on such feelings of peace. Peace is what enhances the healing process. Even when you think you have completed the healing process, it's amazing how little it takes to suck you back down again.

Things I have learned:
1. Never let your guard down.
    Whenever I get lulled into a false sense of security, that's when the WV strikes.
2. Always be true to your authentic self.
    If you aren't true to yourself, who are you being true to? You cannot live up to anyone else's sense of how you are supposed to live your life. You have to do what your heart and soul tell you is right for you.
3. Find peace whenever and where ever you can.
    Peace is rejuvenating to your soul. You can begin to hear your inner voice speak when you have entered into a peaceful state of being. Your inner voice is silenced when the outer world is allowed to disturb your peace.
4. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
    Deep breathing helps to silence the outer world and bring peace to your soul. Cleansing breaths. Releasing breaths. In with the good. Out with the bad. Shoulders start to relax down from being up around your ears.
5. A relaxed state of being assists in allowing intelligent thoughts to prevail.
    If you relax into a state of peace, the brain becomes silent from the relentless, repetitive,          destructive thought patterns that interfere with rational judgment and decision-making.
6. Smile.
    Not only does a smile use less muscles than a frown, but it releases endorphins which help to lift   the spirits and gasp, let some happiness in. A smile is the only thing that you can give away for free that comes back to you a thousandfold.

Peace - At What Cost?

It's been 2 weeks of relative peace due to the intervention of relatives. Helpful Brother and Wife (brother and sister-in-law) were here for a few days to help out. To really no avail. A blown rental interview. A missed opportunity to fill out on-line forms for assistance (instead at the church next door to the restaurant HB was meeting him at and disappeared from), a missed opportunity to have a camp site for a week. One less week of trying to sleep in your car. HB asked him why living in his car wasn't boosting him to faster look for a place. WV said no biggie as it was only 4 days. HB said it's been 3 weeks. He wasn't believed!! Incredible. So HB gave in. But didn't give up. He can only do so much with what he has to work with.
I heard from him last night for the first time since before HB and Wife arrived. The text looked like a partial copy/paste from a text I received weeks ago. It didn't make any sense. When I questioned it, I was ignored. Oh well. I will try not to get caught up in the Whirling Vortex.
Back to my peace. I've had my heart rate slow down to normal. I've been sleeping very well. I just need to get back into an exercise routine. I've been a little lax due to all the high drama. As well, my Ferritin was 4!!!!! I'm surprised I had any energy at all. I've been attributing the lack there of to no sleep and stress. Stress!! The Mother of all that is Evil.
So that was my short WV rant for today. Now on to Me.
My daughter, son, and I have signed up to the gym. I have been one time only. Due to - see above - I want to go back and get trained on the equipment. I am so not a gym person. I am a walking enthusiast. A hiking enthusiast. But unfortunately my SI joint and my right hip do not want to cooperate. So I figured the gym was a good solution. My issues are poor body image as well as no spacial ability. Which translates into I don't know where my body parts are in the universe in relation to where I want them to be (or hope they should be). So when my daughter says just do it like this, I just can't. Then she says watch in the mirror that will help. It makes it twice as bad for me as I've never been able to do anything in the mirror. So I'm hoping with repetition that will get better. Phase one for self improvement. Lose a few pounds. Lets be serious!! We are talking at least 40!! Right now I'd be happy with 5. For a good start. my daughter is my inspiration. She is about a size 0-2. I have never been that size. I thought size 7 in my late 20's was amazing. I think the sizes have changed to accommodate the little Asian workers who make the world's clothes. Those gals are little little little.
I'm actually pretty good in the self esteem department. I am a strong independent woman - hear me roar! I would just like to be a better version of me. Be all I can be. Not for the army, though. I draw the line at military requirements.

The Whirling Vortex

Part of my incredible journey to me is to try to shake off the past. The issue with that is my past won't shake loose. It is as stuck to me as warm gum on the bottom of your shoe. I think I will have to rant and rant for a while before I can even explore me.
I have a separated husband that has huge mental illness issues. He doesn't think so and that is half the battle. His behaviour is so bizarre at times. For instance this is my last 20 hours. Last night he phoned to say he had something to drop off for the kids. This was around 1830. I had my bestie and my Peace Man over for wine and a BBQ. So I said no, I have company. He said he had a right to see his kids. Mostly they meet him somewhere so we don't have happen what happened last night. He showed up about 2230 and didn't have anything for the kids. He proceeded to take everything out of his car and try to rearrange everything. Then he couldn't find his medications/sleeping pills. He ripped apart his whole car looking. My son and I tried to help. I had already gone to bed and was asleep when my son came out and got me to help. Seriously!! We tried for half an hour or more. Then he's struck with a blinding headache. He can't stand, sit or talk coherently. I said lets drive you somewhere for the night so you can sleep. I offered my son to drive him and I would drive his car. Anything so he wouldn't be in front of my house. My house. I bought him out. I had to double my payments and pay through the nose. My house. He almost went for the idea but he wanted to find his meds first. Well, no go. So both my son and I gave up and went back into the house. We talked with my daughter for a while. No one knew what to do. I wasn't waking Peace Man up. This is none of his concern and he's never been here when the Whirling Vortex has been here before. I figured I'd phone the RCMP non-urgent line and ask advice. There was really no advice to receive. They decided to send out a constable to talk with him, with the understanding that his family was worried about him and to see if he was a danger to himself or others. I said he is a danger because if he drives off in his condition, he will likely total this car off and perhaps kill or hurt himself or others. Then I sent everyone off to bed. I was just drifting off when I heard some voices. I got up and couldn't see the RCMP talking to him, but I thought that was what was going on. I had my phone as I had asked them to call me when they've spoken to him. They did. Nothing they can do. They decided he wasn't a danger to himself or others. He wasn't going to harm himself. He had a cell phone that was charged up if he needed an ambulance or any other help. (He had told me the phone was dead prior to coming over). There wasn't enough for them to take him anywheres: hospital, jail etc. I said what if he drives off and gets into an accident. The constable, in all his wisdom, says people drive in that condition all the time and get into accidents. WHAT!!!! Then I said, so you are just going to leave him parked in front of my house sleeping in his car. He said pretty much. WTF!! Good gravy man! So I told that to my daughter. My son had already gone to sleep. We both couldn't believe it. This is about 0130 now. Then he phones giving me shit for calling the police on him. I tried to explain I wasn't calling the police on him, I was asking for help and advice and they sent someone to make sure he was ok. Once again he made me out to be the scourge of all evil villianesses. He went on and on about how now he was on record with the police and was I in cahoots with the mean bitch of an RN in ED that had it out for him. Did I want to get him thrown in jail or the loony bin. Ugh. Now its 0220 and I have a nice, sweet, warm man in my bed that I wanted to get back to. So I hung up and went to bed.
Some background now. The Whirling Vortex gave notice for his very nice 2 bedroom walk out suite. A better view of the lake than what I have. This was in May. He told me half way through May by way of a request for me to look on my employer website to see if there were any suites for rent for him. I said WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? There is nothing to rent in our neck of the woods. We have a less than 1% vacancy rate. I said phone your landlord back right now. Kiss his feet if you have to, and rescind your notice. He tried but only succeeded in getting the move out day extended to the end of June. Long story short, he finally moved out last weekend and is now living in his car. He was living in his truck, but totaled it off Friday night. Actually early Saturday morning around 0330. He had taken his sleeping pills and then went to find a place to park for the night. Told everyone he swerved to hit a deer. Ya right.
My son was supposed to take the Whirling Vortex to a psychiatrist appt. at 0800 this morning. he was sleeping in the car in front of my house. My son was very upset about this. He tried hard to wake him up a couple of times, then received a text from the Helpful Brother (WV's brother - more about him later) saying that WV actually has an appt. tomorrow morning at 0900 and to not bring him in today. Good grief. Then WV stayed where he was and reorganized his car until he drove away at 1330. I went up there at about 1000 to see what was what. I was given shit again about phoning the police and was given a lecture on my poor morals and values by having my boyfriend stay the night with the children at home. The children are almost 19 and just turned 17. They are more mature than him. They prefer Peace Man stay the night after drinking wine. Vernon is an hour away. Anyways, I walked away. I won't be lectured to by a homeless mentally ill man. Ugh again.
So this gives a little snap shot of my last 10+ years of being married to this man. It's all so crazy and irrational. Peace Man feels very sorry for him. Thinks he is hurting and suffering from having lost his family and now his place to live. A bit about Peace Man. What a wonderful kind gentleman and gentle man. He is sensitive and very understanding. He even went up and introduced himself to WV and shook his hand. He is too nice by far. If I feel sorry for him I get sucked into the Whirling Vortex all over again.