Smoked Out

Ah, the lovely Smokanagan. It's been terrible here for the last week. The smoke from the Washington fires rolled in last Saturday night, lifted for a bit on Thursday, and then Little White Mountain had a rank 5-6 wildfire start up. The smoke finally lifted somewhat today. We had lots of rain for about 2 hours and that has given us some relief. On top of everything, my cold settled into my chest and with my asthma and bronchitis and the smoke, I didn't stand a chance. I've hardly stepped foot out the door. In all, I went to Vancouver last Monday with Peace Man to pick up his Lovely Daughter back from a European vacation with her brand new husband. Peace Man and I had a wonderful day together. Just the right amount of talking, reading, tea/coffee, and looking around. We travel well together I've decided. I would love to go more places with him. Unfortunately job and life will not allow that right now (his job and his life - sad face). The other unfortunate thing I have discovered (unfortunate for me) is that the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. And he is such an introvert that he could spend every day by himself with a book and that would be ok with him. I have also discovered that with Lovely Daughter leaving for Vancouver in a week and Wonderful Son going back to university, I will likely have way too much time on my hands. For instance, this past week, I have spent entire days (the last 2 especially) by myself as both were at work. Also, I spend most evenings alone and there were a couple in a row where they were both away for the night too. I have decided that even though I am perfectly capable on my own and welcome some alone time, I do not prefer it. I'm far too social to be spending this much time by myself. I wandered back in to the realm of the dating world so I wouldn't be spending so much time alone. Yet here I am.
To back it up a little. Whirling Vortex and I lived quite separate lives, especially in the evenings, for the last 3 years we were together. He would spend the entire evening in the office "working". Which wasn't working, really, it was cruising the 'net highway for motorbike and car deals. Then he would stand at the doorway of the living room at 2100 hours with hands on hips stating "Time for bed?" Translation was come to bed and have sex. Never mind there was no respect or communication all day and all evening. He needed to have sex to feel close and connected. I needed closeness and a connection to have sex. Was a total mismatch headed towards disaster. Any conversation about this subject lead to him telling me I was a prude and me withdrawing even more. So I would sit in the living room on Facebook or playing computer games or reading to tune out the world. All of this time, of course, Wonderful Son and Lovely Daughter would be sleeping and not know how totally dissatisfied their Awesome Mother was and how lonely. How very lonely. I couldn't invite people over because Whirling Vortex made everyone uncomfortable. And I was so dispirited to go out anywhere. It was a vicious cycle. One of my own making - as I look back on things. I wish I would have been more in tune to what I needed as a woman and as a human being - to not let things get to that level.
So the bottom line is, I want to start moving more forward with my life. I'm looking for a life partner to move forward with. Is that partner Peace Man? I truly hope it is. But I'm becoming more fearful that it is right man, wrong timing. He said to me that he heard it will take between 3 - 5 years to get over the break up of his marriage. It's been 2.5 years and he still calls himself a broken man. I should have run screaming with my hair on fire when things changed between us. Not only does he live an hour's drive away, but he still considers himself broken. We are at least a year apart in readiness I think. So my dilemma is do I wait and maybe nothing will change? Do I wait and then end up with an amazing man at the end of his process? Or do I move on and risk wasting a great relationship? Or do I move on and find someone who is at the same stage as me? Someone who is as amazing as Peace Man? It's a horrible conundrum. Some may say that I have to follow my own heart and desires, but I come up with the same questions. So I do nothing. My Lovely Daughter tells me I am indecisive and therefore can't go forward. Maybe so. Don't want to make the wrong decision so I do nothing. Maybe that's ok for a while. Maybe as the smoke disappears, some of the questions will get answered.