2 Quarters and 1 Nickel - Happy Birthday to Me!

Freedom 55!!! My birthday is a poignant one this year. On the tremendously happy side, I was able to celebrate with my Mom for the first time in 25+ years. As well, my closest family and friends and Peace Man were at my house for a party Saturday night. I had such fun. Lots of laughs. Lots of good food. Nice wine. It was perfect. Also, I'm almost at the 5 year mark cancer free. Lots to celebrate for sure. My lovely daughter possibly won't be able to make it to my Kelly O's birthday extravaganza as she has to work. It's been a family tradition since the kids were little to spend every birthday supper at Kelly O's as they provide a free meal to the ancient one. Such a deal when money was a little tighter. Money isn't as tight now, which is a blessing. Oh the things that I count my blessings about. Good health. Good love. Good family. Good friends. Wonderful place to live and work. Doesn't get better than that. I am so thankful.
On the harsh side, Whirling Vortex is on a downward spiral again. Unable to work and barely able to fend for himself. I have been pitching in a fair amount as he isn't really able to cook, eat, drink, talk. It's such a shame. I will be with him during his doctor's visit today. I hope he can make it. I still feel so responsible for this latest episode. But yet I know I am not. I did the best that I could in a terrible situation. I couldn't have him living with us any longer. The wonderful children were being negatively affected. It was a horrible living condition. Anyways, now I just feel sad. And responsible. I want to help, but yet I really don't. I dread the phone calls and the pleas to please just come over. He hates being by himself. But I hate being over there. It's a burden and I'm already maxed out. 2 teens and my mom at home. Huge house and yard to look after. 4 dogs. A full time job. A couple of friends with troubles too. Peace Man at odds with himself and not in a good place. What's left for me? Where is my time to feel good? About myself. About my life. When do I even get a chance to think about me? I'm not a selfish person, but what about me?

Christmas Ugh! AKA Bah Humbug!

Have to get the grouching and grumping out of the way. Most of the grouching and grumping is do to the $1,600.00+ bill I just had to pay for my car. I should be happy. Really I should. If the car would have died even 1-2 mins later than it did, I would have been hit broad side in my broad side and maybe severely injured or dead. I was visiting Peace Man and about a block and a half away from his house is the intersection to turn on to the busy highway. I was about 20 feet from the stop sign when my car stopped. A couple of hoarse coughs and then total death. No gasping last breathes. No dying wheeze. Just done. It would turn over but it wouldn't catch fire. I thought for sure it was the fuel pump as I've had many fuel pumps go on me and that's pretty much the way they go. I was thinking about that after the phone call to Peace Man to rescue me. And while I was awaiting BCCA when the rescue attempt was for naught. I just replaced the fuel tank. I was sure I did. Within the last 2 years as Peace Man remembers me talking about it. When I looked up the receipt after I got home, sure enough, last May. Was on the long weekend because I remember feeling stranded after hours on Friday, knowing Howie's garage would be closed all weekend. So I had it towed to Canadian Tire. Anywho. Peace Man and I both thought it was the fuel pump. A very nice BCAA tow truck man came to haul my ass and the car to Howie's garage. Howie is my perennial go to guy for my car. And the kids' cars. I had a very quiet ride as the driver wasn't into idle chit chat. Bummer. I love to talk. I can talk to anyone, but I guess my talking held no charm for Mr. Taciturn Tow Truck Guy. So I moped all the way home. I had Lovely Daughter pick me up at Howie's and went home. My poor baby (my car) was going to have to sit all weekend outside Howie's garage without Howie even knowing it was there or me knowing what was wrong. The only saving grace was that Peace Man was going to make the trek to my house later in the afternoon. The other bummer is that I was supposed to have lunch with my mom and the baby's grandma. The baby in the previous post that is now paralyzed. I wanted to get caught up on the happenings and help cheer her up a little. Still not really any progress on that front. The baby moved her leg a little. She appears to do this once in a great while. Everyone gets really worked up and then nothing happens again. Often for weeks. I'm hoping this is a positive sign. I sure hope so. How sad it would be for that little cherub not to be able to walk again. Positive thoughts and prayers all around.
Now that the grouching and grumping is done, on to me. How am I doing? Well, likely 80 some odd % of the time life is great. I was just thinking I was going into Christmas in pretty good shape. Had some money in the bank. I am now left with not a lot of money. Not only for the bill listed above, which was actually do to the distributor system (???), but I had also just purchased tires. All weather tires, that Howie now tells me are OK but not the best thing for winter driving. Even though the snowflake and mountain are on the tires, he would prefer I had good winters and studs. So we compromised on I would use these ones as a spring/summer/fall and buy some medium quality tires and have them studded for next year. Works for me. If I was travelling the Connector all the time, that would be a different story. How did I digress back to my car!?! I'm doing great. I feel good. I'm working hard. I have been visiting lots with Peace Man. He has taken to having me come out there on Fridays after work and then he comes to me Saturday afternoons. I really enjoy spending the weekend with him. He fills up my cup. My cup was always half empty. Looking to be filled. I think he fills the job description. I am able to look at things in a very positive way. Even with my car dying, I'm so very thankful, grateful, joyous even that it could have been so much worse. I'm happy. Money is only money. Life and limb are priceless. I'm also truly grateful for my mom being here instead of in the cold hard prairies. This will be only her second Christmas here. She also sold her house which I'm thrilled about. Now we get to house hunt. How much fun will that be?! And furniture hunt. Lovely Daughter is eager to come with as well. She has good taste. Will be tons of fun. I'm also thankful for my Wonderful Son. He is working so hard on his studies. FINALS!! Ugh for him as well. He is holding his head above water. I'm also so thankful for my awesome friends. Without them, this journey wouldn't be nearly as wondrous as it is. This is a good day!

5 Steps Forward; 0 Steps Back

Yay! Yay! Yay!
I have had over 6 weeks of very limited contact with Whirling Vortex. Yay! Again. Yay! It's been uplifting and freeing. I've had the time and ability to breath. At least from that aspect of things. In other realms I've moved my Mom here from Saskatchewan. She is living with us temporarily until her house sells and she can buy something here. So far the head butts with Lovely Daughter have been fairly limited. We've had another family crisis though, in that my 18 month old cousin had a blood clot on her spine. The surgery was successful to remove the clot, but unsuccessful in returning her to full function/sensation. Very sad. She is learning to use a wheelchair. I hope with lots of physio that she may be able to regain function/sensation. Lots of prayers. God, are you listening.
As for me, I'm on a little get away with Peace Man. I have a work trip and he has joined me. Lets just say that time away together is a fabulous thing! We have never done it before and we have really bonded. Lots of wine. Good food. Bubbles and wine in the Jacuzzi tub. Yes indeed. Has you looking at the world with new eyes. I am full of smiles and good cheer. My outlook on the world is bright and cheery. I have hope for the future. I want to be taking steps to move forward in life. According to Lovely Daughter, that would be downsizing and de-cluttering and moving out of the house into something in town. Something a little smaller, newer, less maintenance. Would be a great and wondrous idea. She is doing a lot of the de-cluttering. She's been a wonderful help. Now I have to do my part and go through the stuff and get rid of it. It is an interesting process because everything I own has a memory attached to it. It is interesting because not only do I have to separate from the item, I have to separate from the memory attached to it. Lovely Daughter has no emotional attachment to any "stuff" doesn't understand my attachment to "stuff". I wish I had her detachment. I have to remember it's just stuff. My memories will hold on to the stuff. But I can let go of the physical stuff and still keep the emotional memory. I can do it.
A week or so later:
I'm working hard at it. I spent some time going through stuff and was able to let go of some of it. I will do another pass or two and will be able to loosen up some more I'm sure. I'll get the hang of it. I'll just get Lovely Daughter to come in and help me when I'm stuck. I'm starting in my bedroom as I emptied out the second dresser which really had no clothes in it. All papers and memory items. So I have about 4 small bins of that. I will go through 1 bin a day and then start in on my clothes. That's a huge deal. I have clothes all over the house. I have clothes of all different sizes. I actually let go of most of the size 7 stuff as I will never be size 7 again. I know that. But those size 7's were so beautiful. Oh well. Let it go. Poof!!!!
On the Peace Man front. Wow! That will almost suffice it. We just gel. We get each other and get along so well. He invited me to a "family party". His parents, 1 daughter, 2 brothers, 1 sister-in-law, 2 cousins. It was fun. Everyone was very friendly. It was fun. It was relaxed. I felt like I belonged. It was good to see Peace Man with his family and so relaxed. It was interesting to see his father. I've heard so much of his father and the sneaky dementia that is plaguing him and the whole family really. Visual hallucinations that he actually made a little fun of himself for. He was very charming. He did pick at the youngest son subtly. I don't know if anyone else did. Including himself. But Peace Man and I noticed. It's that generation I guess. My Mom does it and when called on it doesn't even realize it. Anyways. It was good. A good time was had by all. Then Peace Man came to my house for a visit on the weekend and we had a wonderful time as usual. Just hanging out. Cooking. Drinking wine. Going for a wonderful walk by the lake. Perfect really. I feel the bond is getting stronger all the time.

Smoked Out

Ah, the lovely Smokanagan. It's been terrible here for the last week. The smoke from the Washington fires rolled in last Saturday night, lifted for a bit on Thursday, and then Little White Mountain had a rank 5-6 wildfire start up. The smoke finally lifted somewhat today. We had lots of rain for about 2 hours and that has given us some relief. On top of everything, my cold settled into my chest and with my asthma and bronchitis and the smoke, I didn't stand a chance. I've hardly stepped foot out the door. In all, I went to Vancouver last Monday with Peace Man to pick up his Lovely Daughter back from a European vacation with her brand new husband. Peace Man and I had a wonderful day together. Just the right amount of talking, reading, tea/coffee, and looking around. We travel well together I've decided. I would love to go more places with him. Unfortunately job and life will not allow that right now (his job and his life - sad face). The other unfortunate thing I have discovered (unfortunate for me) is that the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. And he is such an introvert that he could spend every day by himself with a book and that would be ok with him. I have also discovered that with Lovely Daughter leaving for Vancouver in a week and Wonderful Son going back to university, I will likely have way too much time on my hands. For instance, this past week, I have spent entire days (the last 2 especially) by myself as both were at work. Also, I spend most evenings alone and there were a couple in a row where they were both away for the night too. I have decided that even though I am perfectly capable on my own and welcome some alone time, I do not prefer it. I'm far too social to be spending this much time by myself. I wandered back in to the realm of the dating world so I wouldn't be spending so much time alone. Yet here I am.
To back it up a little. Whirling Vortex and I lived quite separate lives, especially in the evenings, for the last 3 years we were together. He would spend the entire evening in the office "working". Which wasn't working, really, it was cruising the 'net highway for motorbike and car deals. Then he would stand at the doorway of the living room at 2100 hours with hands on hips stating "Time for bed?" Translation was come to bed and have sex. Never mind there was no respect or communication all day and all evening. He needed to have sex to feel close and connected. I needed closeness and a connection to have sex. Was a total mismatch headed towards disaster. Any conversation about this subject lead to him telling me I was a prude and me withdrawing even more. So I would sit in the living room on Facebook or playing computer games or reading to tune out the world. All of this time, of course, Wonderful Son and Lovely Daughter would be sleeping and not know how totally dissatisfied their Awesome Mother was and how lonely. How very lonely. I couldn't invite people over because Whirling Vortex made everyone uncomfortable. And I was so dispirited to go out anywhere. It was a vicious cycle. One of my own making - as I look back on things. I wish I would have been more in tune to what I needed as a woman and as a human being - to not let things get to that level.
So the bottom line is, I want to start moving more forward with my life. I'm looking for a life partner to move forward with. Is that partner Peace Man? I truly hope it is. But I'm becoming more fearful that it is right man, wrong timing. He said to me that he heard it will take between 3 - 5 years to get over the break up of his marriage. It's been 2.5 years and he still calls himself a broken man. I should have run screaming with my hair on fire when things changed between us. Not only does he live an hour's drive away, but he still considers himself broken. We are at least a year apart in readiness I think. So my dilemma is do I wait and maybe nothing will change? Do I wait and then end up with an amazing man at the end of his process? Or do I move on and risk wasting a great relationship? Or do I move on and find someone who is at the same stage as me? Someone who is as amazing as Peace Man? It's a horrible conundrum. Some may say that I have to follow my own heart and desires, but I come up with the same questions. So I do nothing. My Lovely Daughter tells me I am indecisive and therefore can't go forward. Maybe so. Don't want to make the wrong decision so I do nothing. Maybe that's ok for a while. Maybe as the smoke disappears, some of the questions will get answered.

This is the life

Noon on a lazy, sunny, warm day. Vacation. Nothing that needs doing. Just chillin' on my deck. Watching my fish swim in the pond. Cruising Facebook. Answering text messages. No hurry. No one wants me for anything. Does it get better than this? No way. Well except to have Peace Man (PM) be here with me. But that's ok. He was here yesterday. Time alone to ponder the wonders of the universe is a good thing as well. What did I do to deserve this pleasure? I put in my time. No fear. I've been ignoring lots of ignorant text from the Whirling Vortex. Or WV as I like to call him. I'm suffering from a bad cold my lovely daughter gave me. I'm swatting at wasps that just happened to show up for the party. They like my aloe juice/water that I'm drinking to sooth my throat. They also like my cereal dish. Ha Ha. I ate it all already. None left. Shoo!!! My flowers are stunning. My waterfall is soothing. The lake view is spectacular. My book awaits. There are about 5 chapters left. A time-travelling fantasy mixed with a historical romance. I'm truly blessed. I have gotten to the place where I'm not thinking about work. That has taken about 3 weeks. You really can't shut off the work until you've been gone from it at least that long. I've been writing a journal article the past couple of months and I've been thinking about that, but shut that off as well. I missed the last writing community of practice meeting and didn't even give it a thought. Good. You should be able to shut your work brain off when you are on vacay. I need the time to fully unwind and enjoy the beauty around me. The vibrant fushia pinks of the geraniums in my flower pots. The sunshiny yellows of the begonias. The fiery reds of the salvia. Delightful.The occasional quacking that signals a text from my Lovely Daughter LD) interrupts the calm thoughts I've been trying to have. Luckily she's not freaked at me. The freakedness is aimed elsewhere but I get the joy of sharing in it. lol. Hey, at least she talks to me about everything. To contribute to the calm, I've shut off the sound of WV's texting so I don't have to get bombarded with that. I believe you should cut out of your life that which doesn't serve you. The distress was wearing on me. My Fabulous Son (FS) and LD want me to block WV on my phone. But I save the texts to give to the Helpful Brother (HB) to use when he speaks to the doc and psych about WV. Ah here comes LD now. Will go and see how I can be of assistance. Ta Ta.
Well that was fun. Nothing like a pissed off daughter to interrupt your zen. lol.

Wow! Stuck in a Time Warp - Again!

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'd like to try to break that cycle, but it seems impossible at this point in time. I'm trying to separate from my former self, but unfortunately all the STUFF from the former self's life keeps coming and biting me in the ass. I am up to my armpits in alligators. Too much. Too much. Ex issues. They won't stay in the past. Now the Whirling Vortex wants to get back together. No way! No how! I can't even imagine. He even kissed me in public and then had the nerve to say "Kiss me like you mean it"??? What!!! I'm working so hard to try to be the best me I can be, so by doing that, I'm choosing. Yes. I'm choosing not to become trapped into the same circle of blame, guilt, shame. I'm also choosing not to become wrapped up in the untruths and the hurtfulness. I am pulling out my inner Warrior Goddess to ensure I stay safe and I can live to do battle another day. Kids safe - check. Me safe - check. Home front safe - check. That's all that's required of the Warrior Goddess for now. That's where I will have to go for the strength to not get sucked into the time warp and the Whirling Vortex. Warrior Goddess vs the Whirling Vortex. Could be a grudge match, but I don't want a battle. I want peace and quiet and calm and healing. I want my Peace Man by my side. My Peace Man. My normalcy. He doesn't think so. But it is so. Even when we are apart, just thinking about him brings on such feelings of peace. Peace is what enhances the healing process. Even when you think you have completed the healing process, it's amazing how little it takes to suck you back down again.

Things I have learned:
1. Never let your guard down.
    Whenever I get lulled into a false sense of security, that's when the WV strikes.
2. Always be true to your authentic self.
    If you aren't true to yourself, who are you being true to? You cannot live up to anyone else's sense of how you are supposed to live your life. You have to do what your heart and soul tell you is right for you.
3. Find peace whenever and where ever you can.
    Peace is rejuvenating to your soul. You can begin to hear your inner voice speak when you have entered into a peaceful state of being. Your inner voice is silenced when the outer world is allowed to disturb your peace.
4. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
    Deep breathing helps to silence the outer world and bring peace to your soul. Cleansing breaths. Releasing breaths. In with the good. Out with the bad. Shoulders start to relax down from being up around your ears.
5. A relaxed state of being assists in allowing intelligent thoughts to prevail.
    If you relax into a state of peace, the brain becomes silent from the relentless, repetitive,          destructive thought patterns that interfere with rational judgment and decision-making.
6. Smile.
    Not only does a smile use less muscles than a frown, but it releases endorphins which help to lift   the spirits and gasp, let some happiness in. A smile is the only thing that you can give away for free that comes back to you a thousandfold.

Peace - At What Cost?

It's been 2 weeks of relative peace due to the intervention of relatives. Helpful Brother and Wife (brother and sister-in-law) were here for a few days to help out. To really no avail. A blown rental interview. A missed opportunity to fill out on-line forms for assistance (instead at the church next door to the restaurant HB was meeting him at and disappeared from), a missed opportunity to have a camp site for a week. One less week of trying to sleep in your car. HB asked him why living in his car wasn't boosting him to faster look for a place. WV said no biggie as it was only 4 days. HB said it's been 3 weeks. He wasn't believed!! Incredible. So HB gave in. But didn't give up. He can only do so much with what he has to work with.
I heard from him last night for the first time since before HB and Wife arrived. The text looked like a partial copy/paste from a text I received weeks ago. It didn't make any sense. When I questioned it, I was ignored. Oh well. I will try not to get caught up in the Whirling Vortex.
Back to my peace. I've had my heart rate slow down to normal. I've been sleeping very well. I just need to get back into an exercise routine. I've been a little lax due to all the high drama. As well, my Ferritin was 4!!!!! I'm surprised I had any energy at all. I've been attributing the lack there of to no sleep and stress. Stress!! The Mother of all that is Evil.
So that was my short WV rant for today. Now on to Me.
My daughter, son, and I have signed up to the gym. I have been one time only. Due to - see above - I want to go back and get trained on the equipment. I am so not a gym person. I am a walking enthusiast. A hiking enthusiast. But unfortunately my SI joint and my right hip do not want to cooperate. So I figured the gym was a good solution. My issues are poor body image as well as no spacial ability. Which translates into I don't know where my body parts are in the universe in relation to where I want them to be (or hope they should be). So when my daughter says just do it like this, I just can't. Then she says watch in the mirror that will help. It makes it twice as bad for me as I've never been able to do anything in the mirror. So I'm hoping with repetition that will get better. Phase one for self improvement. Lose a few pounds. Lets be serious!! We are talking at least 40!! Right now I'd be happy with 5. For a good start. my daughter is my inspiration. She is about a size 0-2. I have never been that size. I thought size 7 in my late 20's was amazing. I think the sizes have changed to accommodate the little Asian workers who make the world's clothes. Those gals are little little little.
I'm actually pretty good in the self esteem department. I am a strong independent woman - hear me roar! I would just like to be a better version of me. Be all I can be. Not for the army, though. I draw the line at military requirements.