Smoked Out

Ah, the lovely Smokanagan. It's been terrible here for the last week. The smoke from the Washington fires rolled in last Saturday night, lifted for a bit on Thursday, and then Little White Mountain had a rank 5-6 wildfire start up. The smoke finally lifted somewhat today. We had lots of rain for about 2 hours and that has given us some relief. On top of everything, my cold settled into my chest and with my asthma and bronchitis and the smoke, I didn't stand a chance. I've hardly stepped foot out the door. In all, I went to Vancouver last Monday with Peace Man to pick up his Lovely Daughter back from a European vacation with her brand new husband. Peace Man and I had a wonderful day together. Just the right amount of talking, reading, tea/coffee, and looking around. We travel well together I've decided. I would love to go more places with him. Unfortunately job and life will not allow that right now (his job and his life - sad face). The other unfortunate thing I have discovered (unfortunate for me) is that the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. And he is such an introvert that he could spend every day by himself with a book and that would be ok with him. I have also discovered that with Lovely Daughter leaving for Vancouver in a week and Wonderful Son going back to university, I will likely have way too much time on my hands. For instance, this past week, I have spent entire days (the last 2 especially) by myself as both were at work. Also, I spend most evenings alone and there were a couple in a row where they were both away for the night too. I have decided that even though I am perfectly capable on my own and welcome some alone time, I do not prefer it. I'm far too social to be spending this much time by myself. I wandered back in to the realm of the dating world so I wouldn't be spending so much time alone. Yet here I am.
To back it up a little. Whirling Vortex and I lived quite separate lives, especially in the evenings, for the last 3 years we were together. He would spend the entire evening in the office "working". Which wasn't working, really, it was cruising the 'net highway for motorbike and car deals. Then he would stand at the doorway of the living room at 2100 hours with hands on hips stating "Time for bed?" Translation was come to bed and have sex. Never mind there was no respect or communication all day and all evening. He needed to have sex to feel close and connected. I needed closeness and a connection to have sex. Was a total mismatch headed towards disaster. Any conversation about this subject lead to him telling me I was a prude and me withdrawing even more. So I would sit in the living room on Facebook or playing computer games or reading to tune out the world. All of this time, of course, Wonderful Son and Lovely Daughter would be sleeping and not know how totally dissatisfied their Awesome Mother was and how lonely. How very lonely. I couldn't invite people over because Whirling Vortex made everyone uncomfortable. And I was so dispirited to go out anywhere. It was a vicious cycle. One of my own making - as I look back on things. I wish I would have been more in tune to what I needed as a woman and as a human being - to not let things get to that level.
So the bottom line is, I want to start moving more forward with my life. I'm looking for a life partner to move forward with. Is that partner Peace Man? I truly hope it is. But I'm becoming more fearful that it is right man, wrong timing. He said to me that he heard it will take between 3 - 5 years to get over the break up of his marriage. It's been 2.5 years and he still calls himself a broken man. I should have run screaming with my hair on fire when things changed between us. Not only does he live an hour's drive away, but he still considers himself broken. We are at least a year apart in readiness I think. So my dilemma is do I wait and maybe nothing will change? Do I wait and then end up with an amazing man at the end of his process? Or do I move on and risk wasting a great relationship? Or do I move on and find someone who is at the same stage as me? Someone who is as amazing as Peace Man? It's a horrible conundrum. Some may say that I have to follow my own heart and desires, but I come up with the same questions. So I do nothing. My Lovely Daughter tells me I am indecisive and therefore can't go forward. Maybe so. Don't want to make the wrong decision so I do nothing. Maybe that's ok for a while. Maybe as the smoke disappears, some of the questions will get answered.

This is the life

Noon on a lazy, sunny, warm day. Vacation. Nothing that needs doing. Just chillin' on my deck. Watching my fish swim in the pond. Cruising Facebook. Answering text messages. No hurry. No one wants me for anything. Does it get better than this? No way. Well except to have Peace Man (PM) be here with me. But that's ok. He was here yesterday. Time alone to ponder the wonders of the universe is a good thing as well. What did I do to deserve this pleasure? I put in my time. No fear. I've been ignoring lots of ignorant text from the Whirling Vortex. Or WV as I like to call him. I'm suffering from a bad cold my lovely daughter gave me. I'm swatting at wasps that just happened to show up for the party. They like my aloe juice/water that I'm drinking to sooth my throat. They also like my cereal dish. Ha Ha. I ate it all already. None left. Shoo!!! My flowers are stunning. My waterfall is soothing. The lake view is spectacular. My book awaits. There are about 5 chapters left. A time-travelling fantasy mixed with a historical romance. I'm truly blessed. I have gotten to the place where I'm not thinking about work. That has taken about 3 weeks. You really can't shut off the work until you've been gone from it at least that long. I've been writing a journal article the past couple of months and I've been thinking about that, but shut that off as well. I missed the last writing community of practice meeting and didn't even give it a thought. Good. You should be able to shut your work brain off when you are on vacay. I need the time to fully unwind and enjoy the beauty around me. The vibrant fushia pinks of the geraniums in my flower pots. The sunshiny yellows of the begonias. The fiery reds of the salvia. Delightful.The occasional quacking that signals a text from my Lovely Daughter LD) interrupts the calm thoughts I've been trying to have. Luckily she's not freaked at me. The freakedness is aimed elsewhere but I get the joy of sharing in it. lol. Hey, at least she talks to me about everything. To contribute to the calm, I've shut off the sound of WV's texting so I don't have to get bombarded with that. I believe you should cut out of your life that which doesn't serve you. The distress was wearing on me. My Fabulous Son (FS) and LD want me to block WV on my phone. But I save the texts to give to the Helpful Brother (HB) to use when he speaks to the doc and psych about WV. Ah here comes LD now. Will go and see how I can be of assistance. Ta Ta.
Well that was fun. Nothing like a pissed off daughter to interrupt your zen. lol.

Wow! Stuck in a Time Warp - Again!

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'd like to try to break that cycle, but it seems impossible at this point in time. I'm trying to separate from my former self, but unfortunately all the STUFF from the former self's life keeps coming and biting me in the ass. I am up to my armpits in alligators. Too much. Too much. Ex issues. They won't stay in the past. Now the Whirling Vortex wants to get back together. No way! No how! I can't even imagine. He even kissed me in public and then had the nerve to say "Kiss me like you mean it"??? What!!! I'm working so hard to try to be the best me I can be, so by doing that, I'm choosing. Yes. I'm choosing not to become trapped into the same circle of blame, guilt, shame. I'm also choosing not to become wrapped up in the untruths and the hurtfulness. I am pulling out my inner Warrior Goddess to ensure I stay safe and I can live to do battle another day. Kids safe - check. Me safe - check. Home front safe - check. That's all that's required of the Warrior Goddess for now. That's where I will have to go for the strength to not get sucked into the time warp and the Whirling Vortex. Warrior Goddess vs the Whirling Vortex. Could be a grudge match, but I don't want a battle. I want peace and quiet and calm and healing. I want my Peace Man by my side. My Peace Man. My normalcy. He doesn't think so. But it is so. Even when we are apart, just thinking about him brings on such feelings of peace. Peace is what enhances the healing process. Even when you think you have completed the healing process, it's amazing how little it takes to suck you back down again.

Things I have learned:
1. Never let your guard down.
    Whenever I get lulled into a false sense of security, that's when the WV strikes.
2. Always be true to your authentic self.
    If you aren't true to yourself, who are you being true to? You cannot live up to anyone else's sense of how you are supposed to live your life. You have to do what your heart and soul tell you is right for you.
3. Find peace whenever and where ever you can.
    Peace is rejuvenating to your soul. You can begin to hear your inner voice speak when you have entered into a peaceful state of being. Your inner voice is silenced when the outer world is allowed to disturb your peace.
4. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
    Deep breathing helps to silence the outer world and bring peace to your soul. Cleansing breaths. Releasing breaths. In with the good. Out with the bad. Shoulders start to relax down from being up around your ears.
5. A relaxed state of being assists in allowing intelligent thoughts to prevail.
    If you relax into a state of peace, the brain becomes silent from the relentless, repetitive,          destructive thought patterns that interfere with rational judgment and decision-making.
6. Smile.
    Not only does a smile use less muscles than a frown, but it releases endorphins which help to lift   the spirits and gasp, let some happiness in. A smile is the only thing that you can give away for free that comes back to you a thousandfold.